Red 2

Released on July 19, 2013 1 comment

The only thing worse than a bunch of halfwits shooting guns and blowing things up in a lame action movie would be aging actors doing the same thing, and managing to look even more pathetic than those half their age.

And so we have “Red 2,” once again reminding us there is no lack of shame when it comes to narcissistically keeping your 60+ SAG benefits from running out.

Because the first go around was such a marvel of brain-numbing stupidity, why not saddle the AARP kids up again, and make a second video game about a group of ex-CIA misfits better suited to shopping for depends than having teenagers cackling at their ridiculousness?

Helen Mirren is an Academy Award winner, one of the best and a woman who seems to be aging very well, without the help of skull yanks and botoxed lips you could float a Venetian House on. In this she’s almost platinum blond, with enough spackle on her grill to hide any facial movement or inflection. Morgan Freeman? We’re sorry such a huge talent is feeling vulnerable about his late-life career. Anthony Hopkins is the only one who belongs, so condescendingly bland we root throughout for his character to die a grisly death. Bruce Willis? Getting more worthless with every role.

The studio leeches must have felt a small amount of pre-60’s DNA was necessary, how else to explain the addition of Mary- Louise Parker to the merry pranksters? Her leading lady status on the Showtime series “Weeds” could have been a career changer. Instead, because she has some issue with her mush mouth, she spent almost every episode sucking iced coffee through huge colorful straws. Anyone who believes their cake hole to be a cosmetic drawback shouldn’t draw so much attention to it. Catherine Zeta-Jones reappears after some hard years of marriage to Michael Douglas, her in-house aging thespian.

A great amount of money was thrown at the limping careers of these once-great stars, and they were all more than happy to cash out. To be clear, we don’t have any problems with anyone making as much as they can throughout their careers. (As Mafia Don Barzini once famously said, ‘We are not communists, after all.’)

No, our issues are with the wimpy little studio oafs in the overly air-conditioned, tinted glass offices, green-lighting such sewage and ruining movies and reputations one bad flick at a time.

  1. shane says:

    Fat people… halfwits… now old people. You have anyone you won’t slam on?