THE LOUD DRY SUMMER

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5 REASONS TO STAY AWAY FROM THEATERS

THE LONE RANGER (July 3rd) – Johnny Depp continues to strain our long-held belief that he was once a serious actor with talent. In this sorry excuse for a Western, his Tonto sports a grill heavy on white paint and prison bar warstripes, as well as a dead crow atop his mug. The rest of his ensemble is just as insane. Didn’t he learn anything from buddy Marlon Brando’s ill-fated turn in “Dr. Moreau,” when the once great talent paraded about in white face with a festive, girth-covering moo-moo and a rattan fruit bowl on his head? Hey Johnny, it’s time to grow up. You’ve been stealing money far too long.

THE HEAT (June 28th) – Where have you gone, Sandy Bullock? Is this the best you can do these days, paired up with the wobbling Melisa McCarthy, whose face is so crimson she looks as though she’ll vapor-lock at any second? Bullock’s cast as an FBI Agent with Melissa also playing a cop. Bullock is constantly upstaged by McCarthy’s manic ramblings, part of her latest attempt to prove plus-sizes can be morbidly obnoxious as well as sympathetic. We ain’t buying.

FAST AND FURIOUS 6 (May 24th) – We thought this franchise reached its peak with the cinematic genius of numero 3, the Tokyo Drift edition. Just kidding. They all suck, unless you’re a Pizza-faced 22 year old boy afraid of women. Obviously there are far more of these so-called “male demographics” than we’d like to believe. How else to justify this ludicrous series hitting its 10th lame year. Vin Diesel? The tough guy act has worn thin. Paul Walker and the Rock? Both should be doing better and might consider aiming higher. We hope this will be the last of the bleak string, but the dark-suited studio chuds seem to be in love with numbers behind titles.

MAN OF STEEL (June 14th) – Oh look, another tights-wearing, blow-dried, sexually confused superhero. We only have about 10 of them this summer. So why pick on Superman? Why not. Re-booted for the umpteenth time, this edition promises a – get this – “dark, lonely and pensive,” flyboy. Excuse those of us who don’t live in Mom’s attic and make the yearly pilgrimage to Comic-Con, but AREN’T ALL SUPERHEROES DARK AND LONELY? Henry Cavill is Clark Kent 2013, and being a Brit he has some chops. (Check out Showtime’s “The Tudors.”) He’s got the right look, (they’ve tinged his dark hair blue to more closely match the original drawings,) but it isn’t nearly enough to warrant the 14 bucks. Compared to Batman, his Justice League counterpart, Supe was always kind of a pansy. The wardrobe does him no favors either.

ELYSIUM (August 9th) – It wouldn’t be summer without a few futuristic, sci-fi turds to toss into the punch bowl. And what a horrible few months it’s been for Matt Damon. To help bail out the plummeting career of Steven Soderberg, Damon sold his soul to HBO, playing gay lover to Michael Douglas’ repulsive Liberace. Now he returns with the Brucie Willis Baldie look as some doomed earthling trying to break into an exclusive space-station that caters only to the wealthy. (Jodie Foster also mails it in for a large check.) So seriously, what’s new? The Haves have been shoving it into the faces of the Nots since Raptors roamed the earth. If we’re all stupid enough to let something like this happen to the planet, we deserve what we get.

  1. kristie says:

    Fast and furious is a great series. Not everything can be hamlet