Pain And Gain

Released on April 26, 2013 0 comments

With the increasingly depressing feminization of the American Male, you’d think “Pain And Gain” would be a slab of Red Meat tailor-made for our palates.

You’d be wrong.

Director Michael Bay, whose face looks as if it got caught between the ground and a cargo container, has, as usual, delivered up a moronic and overblown flick aimed at the sub-90 set.

On the page, “Pain” is certainly in Bay’s comfort zone, loaded up with steroid-gulping, weight-yoking, drug-pushing scumbags. All of which would have been ok, except for the misguided attempt to turn it into an action comedy, full of midgets, plus-sized women with fetishes and, oh ya, a really lousy premise.

Seems Clown #1 – the overrated and syllable-challenged Marky Mark Wahlberg – takes a self-help course and with the help of Clowns 2 and 3, The Rock and Anthony Mackie, decide to kidnap some aging schemer and force him to sign over all of his assets. The boys pull it off, dressed in various costumes that make little to no sense, unless you’re a sports geek who’s afraid of women, which these guys obviously are, what with all the juice-shooting and overcompensated, puffed-up biceps.

Director Bay makes movies for idiots and those movies make a fortune. Throw in Marky Mark and The Rock and this one easily got the automatic green light. We expect it to find a sizeable if less-than-discerning audience on opening weekend.

After that it will sink like an 80-pound barbell. And like most of Bay’s movies, will rapidly be forgotten.