Scary Movie 5

Released on April 12, 2013 0 comments

Normally, we’d be all over the release of a sports movie, except that “42,” the new Bio-Pic about Jackie Robinson, looks much too earnest and literal for our palates. And was the jay z song really necessary?

So instead we’ll dumb it down and take a stab at “Scary Movie 5,” secretly wishing they would have quit after 2.

The first few installments had laughs because of the spoofing of the Scream series, idiots in the Edvard Munch masks and black robes chasing moronic kids. 5’s emphasis is on a paranormal house with PMS, so they’ve lost us already.

And if the lousy jokes weren’t enough, the Producers felt they needed to visit the sludge pile for casting. Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan show up in bed together, both looking like they could use a strong dose of Tigers Blood, or a serving of Cheetah pancreas, or perhaps another few hundred sessions with the shrink.

Heather Locklear’s got a cameo as well, with a face holding so much Botox she looks like a speed bag. (Ladies, let Helen Mirren be your guide. Moon-toned plastic faces are repulsive, and always end up aging badly.) Locklear is a few procedures away from Jack Nicholson/Joker territory. Enough already.

Which is the same that can be said for the “Scary” franchise.

Or as Clint Eastwood might say….. Haul Ass.