Hansel And Gretel – Witch Hunters

Released on January 25, 2013 0 comments

It’s only been three weeks, but we’ve already got our second entry for the dumbest title of the year. The difference is this one may turn out to be dumbest idea as well.

First “Gangster Squad,” and now, “Hansel And Gretel – Witch Hunters.” Amazing how they continue to deliver this shite with a straight face.

There’s no way to attach any form of rationality to a soon-to-be festering turd like this. The two and a half minutes of trailer is as mind-numbingly ridiculous as its hopeless title promises it will be.

Jeremy Renner hasn’t had too many missteps to this point, but he should chalk this one up high on the shoulda-known-better flagpole. Renner is not an overly gifted thespian, and certainly is no cover-boy, but he’s had a great early run, landing in such acclaimed works as “The Hurt Locker,” “The Town,” and most recently in the rebooted Jason Bourne series. So how the hell did he end up in something so preposterously lame? Co-star Gemma Arterton is also on board, the latest Limey import without, at least so far, the talent to match her hype. We also saw a few frames of the lovely Famke Janssen. Guess she needed a check as well.

We’re sure they were sold on this Twilight-inspired updating of the Grimm’s fairy tale, about a bro/sis act that grows up into avenging angels for vanishing children. As we said, lame, but whatever. The audience for the Vampire dweebs has been massive, especially among women and men who’d rather be women, so who are we to say this isn’t a good bet? Maybe it looked good on paper, though we find that hard to imagine.

We’re not sure just when during the preview it happened, but we think our jaw hit our laptops when one of the characters pulled out a Gatling gun. This in addition to the various hand cannons, bows and arrows, and of course, razor-fine head-separating trip-wire. All necessary tools when taking on complexion-challenged old ladies and their dried-apple flocks.

In the end, along with a massive sense of emptiness, audiences will be left with another classic story destroyed by the soulless morons and follower zombies who overpopulate this town. What’s not to love about that?

When are they finally going to give us what we’re really been jonesing for?

“Abraham Lincoln – Studio Toad Obliterator.”

Now there’s one we can all get behind.