The Last Stand

Released on January 18, 2013 0 comments

For someone who used to command massive front-end takes, and had the studio shlubs shaking every time he entered a conference room, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s descent seems not only limitless, but moderately amusing as well.

As hard as it might be to believe, (especially in this town) the Terminator’s ego might be second to none, even topping bathroom scale-obliterator Harvey Weinstein and the creepy Grazers.

How else to explain an impenetrably accented, juiced Bodybuilder, who through sheer force of will and physical intimidation, became the biggest box-office star in the world? (At least for a while.) Later, with his career in the sewage pipe, he snake-oils the sheep of California into voting him in as Governor, where, in a term and a half, he proceeds to turn the once-great state into “End Of Days” Pompeii.

At least the Romans had some staying power.

Add to that his admission of fathering a child with one of his maids (numero uno on the Hollywood cliché list,) and like everyone else, we figured the old Austrian Oak was finally cooked, at least in front of the camera. Though once again, we under-estimated the ability of the toads to give even the most repellant members of their club 9 strikes, as opposed to the usual 5 or 6. (This, after all, is a gaggle that would sell its first born for a $10M opening weekend.)

And so we come to “The Last Stand,” which might turn out to be an apocryphal title, especially for a badly aging roider with sagging pecs, delivering pathetic one-liners. If it wasn’t for the big shoulders of Sly Stallone and some of his other pals in “Expendables 2,” Arno would be going on two decades without a big hit.

In Stand, he plays a Border-town Sheriff, one who, with his small cadre of inbred idiots, is going to try and stop an escaped Cartel Boss from getting back to the Mexico side. It’s an action movie, so plausibility is never a concern. Though instead of at least attempting to deliver a small semblance of reality, they’ve given us Jackass’s Johnny Knoxville as the Guv’s sidekick, sporting a dirty bathrobe, Waldo Pepper goggles, and, just so we know he can add something to the conversation, an actual Gatling gun. Ya, that’s right, the same kind of toy the Bolivian Army used to turn Butch and Sundance into Bolognese.
No question. We’ve got a real winner here.

If this was the best the fading Schwarzenegger could do, he should consider retiring from movies as well as politics.

He wouldn’t be missed.