Twilight 5

Released on November 16, 2012 0 comments

Last week James Bond.

This week, girlie vampires and their Damsel in distress.

You can imagine where this is going.

Allegedly, this fifth installment of the Twilight Saga will be the last, as they’ve run through the narrative from the four books. Though if we’ve learned anything from Mr. Bond, we know that just because the books have been exhausted doesn’t mean the franchise will be wrapping up as well, despite what those involved might be saying this minute.

These films have been far too successful for the morons in the treated glass offices to simply let them die out. Add to that the most appealing of all demos (14-25 year old twittering females with issues,) and you begin to understand that Bella and the rest of her pale-faced nerdos will live on. Unless of course, someone gets killed off. That is a high probability but having never seen the movies, or been enticed to read one of the bloated books, we can’t be sure.

Nor do we really care. We will say that the franchise has kept a lot of people working and that is something we applaud.

Though the appeal remains a mystery. Shot in darkish hues with little natural light, we imagine the filmmakers were hoping to heighten the gloomy story lines with equally morbid backdrops. Either that or they were playing to the mood of their notoriously shy star Kristen Stewart, who once again takes on the role of Bella, who might be the most troubled and misunderstood teenager since Sybil. Stewart has been in a number of movies and has never strayed from her depressed, slouching and marble-mouthed heroine. She might even be attractive under all that angst, but who’d ever know? Not that it seems to matter with the creepy Robert Pattison and the jealous Tyler Lautner fighting over her.

Depending on who you listen to, Pattison used to be or might still be Stewart’s Beau. The silly, ET friendly story of their breakup reeks of a Publicists playbook, meaning none of it rings true. Then again nothing about their so-called relationship ever seemed real. From day one, this was a business arrangement, something this town is actually good at creating. (As opposed to quality flicks.)

Like Stewart, Pattison is another great weirdo, one favoring the skinny jeans and sloppy threads of today’s femi-men. He’s got teeth like a raccoon and supposedly has a well-documented aversion to soap. Lautner is a midget MMA wanna-be who looks like the offspring of the Incredible Hulk and Joan Rivers. And that’s about all we can say about the boys without slipping into a Bella-like stupor of negativity.

From what we’ve been told and the snippets we’ve gagged over on cable, the Twilight Saga is nothing more than over-heated love stories filled with hideous, on-the-nose dialogue and tepid, (if any) love scenes. The writers should have brought in someone like Jackie Collins, or one of the other grind queens to put some sexual pop into these characters. They not only lack a sense of humor, but deliver their lines like Chris Walken doing Hamlet. (Ya, they are that bad.)

Then again, we’re not exactly the target audience here, and thank god for that. We’ll leave this one to you girls and so-called boys. Be sure to bring your cry towels as we can only hope that one of the beloved cast members will bite the dust.

Too bad they won’t be able to take this franchise with them.